JAFWUK

The Iron Sheik just used Twitter to threaten Billy Ray Cyrus. The guy may be the most crackers man on Earth. They hardly put him on WWE tv now because, if they do, he just swears about Hulk Hogan.

Daisy tried to such the mucus from the sinuses, but she has no lips, so it was hard for her to create any pressure...

Pipe bomb!

I was expelled from the University of Leeds for threatening to take off my trousers. True story.

"It's that old man and his muff."

More bridges burnt and lovin' it. Morgan Yorks Sec (in e-mail): "We've had very few bookings from Yorkshire members."Me: "Maybe they think things are going down the pan under your leadership."

Anybody here into Harry Potter? I never bothered with it before, but I got into it to try to have something in common with this broad I was trying to get with. That went !Removed! up like usual, but I am genuinely interested in the stuff now. I used to be with Stewart Lee, saying it's just a kids book series, but there's some dark stuff in there.I also like using words and phrases like those a 1930s gangster might, on another topic. i.e. "Broad".

I'm a guy who burns bridges while I'm still on them. Somebody has acted disrespectfully to me today, and they will pay.

Under Armour is my favourite sports shoe company now. Mostly because prices are reasonable, and the shoes fit well. But now I find the company's HQ is on Hull Street in Baltimore.

My fingers feel like they're eating Eggs Benedict.

I've met a really amazing woman at drama.

I'm boned.

I just had a dream that Gaby and I were The Doctor's companions. These weird rocks started appearing, and I woke myself up shouting, "Something weird's going on here, Gaby. We need to tell The Doctor."

"It's better to be a has-been than a never-was."

Just seeing Wednesday's Corrie. I am so Roy Cropper. "That elephant there, yes, he's sitting up nicely. And the loops on his dungarees offer us a fighting chance. I don't usually approve of anthropomorphism, but on this occasion, it may work to our advantage."

I'm going to set a reminder in my iPhone for 2050. If I'm still alive then and able to time travel, I will come back to my Slimming World group tonight.

I had to fall over heavily at drama, and now I've got Shawn Michaels' spine.

"I used to hustle, now all I do is relax and strive.When I was young, I was a fan of the Jackson Five."

I tried to chat up my friend using a line from tonight's Downton.Me: "Please, kiss me. I fear that I may never be more in love than I am now. I'd at least like something to show for it."Her: "Less of the cheesy lines, eh?"I knew it was better in the old days!